tapestry

I just returned from a week long self imposed “Spring Break”. It has been a hard winter here in the Mountains if you have been following me. Last week I realized that I had a week that didn’t have much on the calendar and might be a good “get away week”.

So I loaded Isabella (my four year odf beagle in the car) and took a drive. For me finding time to spend on the road is a good thing, it reminds me that we need to drive to get somewhere. I think that is true for our lives and our recovery. My time away gave me a sense of clearing, not that I wasn’t too far from my thoughts, as a woman in recovery I never am, but I found that my thoughts weren’t as clouded as they have been.

Even though I have returned to the lodge and had to get a fire going again this morning I feel revived and ready to tackle the next 6 months of business. I am wondering when you allowed yourself time away recently. When you left did you try to stay connected or really escape? Are you feeling like you are too old for a spring break? I would say you aren’t and maybe you just need to let the kid out in you to enjoy.

Today is the second day into the spring season. I was away for a couple of days and had a chance to see some green grass and buds on trees. I wasn’t anywhere tropical but after the winter that we have had here in the mountains it felt like it. As I sit this morning and look at the grounds of the retreat center and the mountains that surround it is easy to see that we are still in between worlds here. There are patches of ground that show, but still a pile of snow that blocks one part of my driveway. I realized that even though spring has officially arrived that we are still living between worlds, or at least seasons.

As you may have noticed I find the world around me always helps me to see and understand where I am in my own journey. And just as it feels like we are between seasons here, I feel as if I am in between right now, in between what I thought my life would be at 52 and what it actually is. It is a place that happens in my recovery I notice when I actually forget who I am. One of my favorite quotes from Conversations with God is that many times “we have to become everything we aren’t to become everything we are.” I know that has been true for me many times throughout my life. Once again I am feeling that I have become everything I am not. This time however it isn’t the same kind of place, it isn’t dark, it doesn’t have me in shackles at I once was. But there is an awareness that the life I have created isn’t as fulfilling as it could be.

So the question to you becomes where are you in regard to the seasons, are you in full bloom as will happen here in the coming weeks. Have you just uncovered yourself from a something that you hope will bring more light into your life. Are you willing to identify if you are in one world/season or split. The one thing we can count on in our lives is change, evidenced by the change in the seasons and the marking of the spring equinox on the calendar. As you begin your day, or end your day spend some time reflecting on your world. There is not right place to be…that is what I have learned from the change of the seasons this year. The thing that is important is that we at least know where we are.

This is my second spring in the mountains. In March about the same time of year it seems as if there is a winter storm that moves through the area. Right now we still have snow on the ground which keeps one foot in winter, and yet there are patches of bare earth that remind us that we will see green again. Over the weekend there was a storm that came through the valley. The power and force of the wind are always alarming at first because some how it feels like the lodge reverberates and yet still holds firm foundation. Each time a storm like this comes through I have noticed and try to examine what the wind might be blowing either out of my life or into my life. I wonder if the reverberations I feel in my soul will have lasting effect. (more…)

We are beginning to hear the sounds of spring here in the mountains. Yesterday as I was walking around the property where I live I heard birds that were chirping to remind  others of where the sunflower seeds are.  As I listened to them yesterday and again this morning I thought about the patterns in life. How do the birds know to return to the same location for food, how are they drawn to my particular feeder when there are many others to choose from. That of course brings me to the title of this post, Patterns.

I have recently been a part of an man’s life and transition from a place of comfort and knowing. What became apparent as he tried to start his new life is that he was falling back into a habitual pattern, a place he had been before. Kind of like the ground hog day experience. The only thing that had changed in this situation was the location, the people and the place. There was a common denominator in his journey, and that was him. As we discussed the pattern he was able to realize that until the pattern was unraveled and examined and some important questions asked he would most likely do it again.

It reminded me of the moment that I realized that so much of my life and the chaos that seemed to come my way was because of the way I kept going back to the same  feeder and singing the same songs, just like the birds I heard yesterday. So as you think about spring wherever you are right now what are you noticing about your patterns, are you repeating something you have done before, choosing a relationship you have been in before or responding to something in a new way. The birds and other animals need certain patterns to survive and at times we think we do as well. I would invite you to look deeply into what you return to and why.

Last night as I crawled into bed I was reminded of a metaphor that worked for me in early sobriety.  I was the type of woman who always seems to live on the edge of everything, not in a dangerous way but always teeter tottering and flirting with edges…does that make any sense to you?  I recall that one evening since I shared the king sized bed only with my beagle Isabella (more…)