tapestry

This morning I got to thinking about what it feels like when we attach ourselves to anything. For many of us we were attached to our drugs or alcohol for many years. And I would suspect that you might find something in common with me I have attachments to many other things. In the past few weeks I have been taking a look at the attachment I have had to the place I live. If you have followed any of my posts here you know this place has been one of my greatest healers and teachers. And I have been recently asking myself am I attached.

What would it feel like for me to let go of this physical structure, this place of peace. I ask myself would I find peace elsewhere, would I be able to find inspiring things to write about (that is assuming this is inspiring!!!). It may come to that soon for me, I have been asked to once again look at what I hold as dear to me.

Attachments serve us, until they don’t, have you heard me say something like that before? It is true with people, relationships, jobs, dreams and even beautiful lodges in the mountains. The question becomes what are you attached to? Have you known deep in your heart that you were attached and wanted to let it go but don’t know how? Have you convinced yourself that things would get better and with the change in something it would look different? If you are hanging on the question I have had to ask about my own attachment is “what am I most afraid of if I let it go?

Ponder today the fear of the unknown…

One night this week as I was getting ready to get comfortable and watch Intervention, I glanced out the window to see a herd of Elk coming down from the mountains into the valley that I live in. In the two years I have been here I haven’t seen a herd this size. They are majestic animals. I was struck by how they stuck together, feeding and almost watching each other to make sure of their safety.

Frequently when I see such a force of nature in my world I consult with my animal medicine cards to learn what they stand for and what they are here to teach us. So this morning I looked up Elk and found their energy means “stamina”. I thought the additional lesson that I got from reading is especially important for us women in recovery. I read ” Elk medicine means it may be important for you to see the company of your own gender for awhile. You may need a support group to realign yourself with the stamina of the warrioress energy that you are apart of. ”

The reading also goes on to suggest that you may want to look at how you are holding up physically to the stresses in your life, and to pace yourself. I thought all of these comments were particularly appropriate for those of us who are now dedicated to living a life with purpose and passion. I am learning it takes a tremendous amount of stamina to hold fast to the dream, to sort through what part of the work is yours and what part is that of the greater universal being.

What is your stress level? Is it true that you might need to hang with your herd? Are you bracing yourself for the long haul in this life of recovery? Are you giving yourself permission to follow instead of lead. I am grateful today to the elk as they provided me the opportunity to go inside once again and see where I am. (more…)

Each morning as I pour my first cup of coffee I have a Marianne Williamson, perpetual calendar with a Course in Miracle quote on it. It helps to remind me what day it is if I have lost track of time. When I turned it for today’s quote I noticed today is April 14th.

For many as it once was for me today creates a ton of stress. In 2001 the year before I got sober I hadn’t filed taxes for 6 years and owed the IRS well over (more…)

Imagine waking up and being grateful the temperatures outside are about 19 degrees on April 11th. This morning that is exactly how I feel. For anyone that comes and spends any time with me at Tapestry Lodge you know that my morning ritual is a very important part of my day. From the end of October, generally until the end of April my first task in the morning is to get the fire going. Know that I have a grind and brew coffee maker with a timer so that part is already taken care of, with the coffee pot generally grinding at 5AM. This girl knows her priorities!!

While many parts of the the country are really experiencing spring, we seem to have one last winter storm before our daffodils bloom. And for the the couple of days we had that. So this morning as the temps are still cold I get to practice my ritual. The fire for me represents a way for me to just take time to think about where I am, to ponder what the great spirits have in store and get the day started in calm not chaos.

Each year as I come to the end of the wood stove season I feel a sense of loss, not quite knowing what to do with my mornings to create the same feeling of connectedness the fire gives me. I have a hard time “letting go” of the fire as silly as that sounds because of what it represents in my morning. For me it is a recovery remedy, something that has become a part of the fabric of my life for 6 months.

As I was looking at the fire this morning which seems to be burning especially well I was thinking about “letting go.” How many times have I had to practice these muscles in 52 years?? More than I can count. It started with letting go of my Dad when I was 24, he died of a massive heart attack, giving two of my loving four legged companions Lady and Sassy their angel wings, not to mention countless relationships over the past 25 years.

Probably the biggest opportunity to let go was when I gave up my addiction to alcohol, I let go of a 25 year relationship, one that never let me down….until it did. And if it hasn’t let you down yet it will. Everything will run it’s course in your life until it no longer serves you, just like the morning fires with me. Soon I will have the windows wide open to bring in the fresh clean mountain air, and it will literally clear out all of the winter smells. Is it time for you to open your windows? Time to clean out the wood stove and make room for new? I realized this morning that I shall begin my process of winding down this morning ritual that I love. And with this one I know that I will have a chance for it again in another 6 months.

Life in the Mountains

I recently had a conversation with a woman in Los Angeles about what it is like here in the San Juan Mountains. There seems to be a certain mystique about how life unfolds here, especially for those who live in densely populated areas, and major metropolitan communities. It is mornings like these that help me respond to that question. There is undoubtedly a change in the seasons right around the corner, the mountains still have snow on them, but there are patches of green grass that are showing. There is a natural rhythm, one that is predictable and comfortable. The chill of the mornings give way to warmer days, and the hope of summer.

It is hard to describe to some the fact that I haven’t heard a siren (more…)

Today is the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. If you are conscious at all today you will most likely be barraged with news and reminders of that day 40 years ago. My mind this morning immediately went to “how old was I”. The answer is 12 years old. Quickly I thought about who I was at 12, and I would suspect I was free. I already had what King and the country was hoping for. The question came to me, when did I loose that freedom, and I would say the day I took my first drink, which would have been 3 years later at the age of 15. For the next 25 years I was a slave to alcohol. It was my master, my lover, my companion. And in that we all know there is no freedom.

So what happens to us when we really begin to work at our recovery? Freedom does come, and interestingly enough it has a price tag as well. But the price we pay for our work on our path will net life, and not assassination. The price is one of time invested in meetings, pages that are expired on a journal or relationships that need to be let go of.

Today I invite you to ask what you are paying for, are you paying for freedom or are you moving closer to your own death. What I have learned is that moving toward our own death doesn’t just have to be through our addiction, but we can get so far away from our divine purpose in this life that we are slowly dying.

Are you free today????