tapestry

Last weekend a dear friend here in Nebraska gave me a wonderful book.  The Shack by WM. Paul Young.  It has been a long time since I have dedicated an entire weekend to reading, but from the moment I picked the book up Friday after work I was drawn, or better yet driven to find the kernels of wisdom for me in it.  The fictional story of Mack takes one through all of the questions many of us have as we sojourn in life.  I was particularly moved by his description of “The Great Sadness”, the words I read so eloquently described the last 8 months and how I have felt. 

The passage I wanted to share here however is about grace…in the dictionary grace is defined as “the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them”, it made me think of the times and way that grace has been a part of my path.  One of the things I have learned that I have as a part of my character is resilience, the ability to return to myself when times seem the darkest.  The last few months have been that for me, and I am pleased to know that grace has been operating in my life.  In The Shack Mack is having a conversation were it is said “Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”  This sentence got me to thinking about the colors of grace I have been given.  What I have learned about this part of my journey is that grace is operating even though I don’t know that it is.  When I feel grace is when I come out of the darkness and am able to see the light…

Where have you been that has been dark?

What was it that kept  you there?

When did you know that you were coming out of it?

When did you get to the other side and see that grace is what pulled you through?

All of these questions I found myself pondering as I tried to understand the reason for the darkness and the encouragement of the light….grace as I know it now. 

Each morning I try to start my day with a reading of some type, sometimes it is something as small as the perpetual calendar I have of Marianne Williamson’s quotes near the coffee pot, or it might be a favorite book or even the drawing of a Medicine Card.  For the last 12 years  most mornings I  pull out the old black and white composition journal and go to those pages with my feelings.  Anyone who knows me well,  knows it has been a major part of my own inner growth. 

This morning I was reflecting on that practice and what I have gained from doing it. What I realize is that through those pages, and my diligence in writing I have become more aware…of self.  I often return to a the library of journals I have to “see what was happening” in my life at that particular time.  The gift I recieve from doing that is to see how much I have grown and changed over the years.  In the pages of my journal I have worked out many of the issues that I found a used to need to disappear myself over.  I have seen how even in the greatest pain I have een able to pull myself up and move forward.  The qualities that surface from the self reflection are wonderful reminders of who I really am…

I have worked out a lot of “stuff” in my journal.  Most of the time after getting everything out between those two lines I come to some greater understanding of me and my part in it.  I can see the self absorbed person that I become most of the time before I reach understanding.  And in between those two cardboard bookends of the journal I have found forgiveness, profound pain, and a deep love of my self. 

I often quote ” a life unexamined is not worth living”….so I wonder today what type of process you go through to examine your life. 

•  Are you in touch with the things that bring you joy?
• Who was the last person you really had to forgive?  Have you done that, and how do you know if you have?
• Are you in a relationship with someone that you shouldn’t be?  Do you know what part of you keeps you there?
• Are you playing small in your job or life?  What happens to keep you there?
• If someone asked you how you knew you had grown in the last 5 years what would you say?

What is the value of self-awareness?  For me it is knowing your core during the diffiuclt times, knowing how you will respond and not react.  It is knowing that when something happens you will know what to do.  And it is what will keep you sane when the outside world is thinking something different…bottom line it is being comfortable in your own skin.