tapestry

Last weekend a dear friend here in Nebraska gave me a wonderful book.  The Shack by WM. Paul Young.  It has been a long time since I have dedicated an entire weekend to reading, but from the moment I picked the book up Friday after work I was drawn, or better yet driven to find the kernels of wisdom for me in it.  The fictional story of Mack takes one through all of the questions many of us have as we sojourn in life.  I was particularly moved by his description of “The Great Sadness”, the words I read so eloquently described the last 8 months and how I have felt. 

The passage I wanted to share here however is about grace…in the dictionary grace is defined as “the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them”, it made me think of the times and way that grace has been a part of my path.  One of the things I have learned that I have as a part of my character is resilience, the ability to return to myself when times seem the darkest.  The last few months have been that for me, and I am pleased to know that grace has been operating in my life.  In The Shack Mack is having a conversation were it is said “Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”  This sentence got me to thinking about the colors of grace I have been given.  What I have learned about this part of my journey is that grace is operating even though I don’t know that it is.  When I feel grace is when I come out of the darkness and am able to see the light…

Where have you been that has been dark?

What was it that kept  you there?

When did you know that you were coming out of it?

When did you get to the other side and see that grace is what pulled you through?

All of these questions I found myself pondering as I tried to understand the reason for the darkness and the encouragement of the light….grace as I know it now. 

Last week I was having a conversation with someone I love dearly.   During that conversation I made the comment “I have been to the mountaintop”.  I was even a bit surprised those words came out of my mouth.  I am not one of those people who has had a “white light experience” or nothing as profound  as near death expereince.  But I do feel I have been to the mountain top.  And then as I watched the activities of the last two days with the Inaugration of our 44th President Barack Obama, I started to ponder more about what that means to me. 

What I realized this mornning was  the feeling  I wanted to convey during the conversation that didn’t happen was, for me at the top of the mountain”Everything Makes Sense and Nothing Makes Sense”.  Michael Beckwith of Agape Spiritual Center, Culver City, CA, was speaking on Spiritual Liberation two weeks ago in Denver.  I credit much of the evolution of my consciousness to being able to attend his center for 7 years while living in Southern California.  During the 3  hour presentation I experienced many emotions and a soul massage.  During one of the meditations he does with his wife Rickie Byars Beckwith chanting in the background I was elevated to the top of the mountain once more.   While at the top, everything made sense to me…Unconditional Love, Joy, Peace and Understanding are found.  I felt connected, both to the spark of light that I know is spirit within me, but to those around me and those that I love.  Everything felt right, whole complete including me. 

So how does the “Nothing Makes Sense” fit?  Once I came back to the heartland and tried to connect to those people I love nothing that I felt that evening was present for me.  But the experience of the mountaintop doesn’t go away.  I am really struggling with some personal issues in my life right now, and without the mountain top experience I would probably not have hope.  But because I am able to recognize the top I know that it is attainable.

I would want you to know that you don’t have to have a white light experience or even die and come back to life, but when we chose to connect, really authentically connect with our fellow travelers we can get there.  That at that moment when you feel like everything makes sense, all things fit together,  when all pain is void of anything but understanding and agape love you are at the top of the mountain.  And when nothing makes sense that is a part of the mountain top experience also.  We have to have both experiences to know …to be light.

When Rick Warren led our country, nation and world in  the Lord’s Prayer yesterday, my face was wet with tears.  I know one of the obligations I have is to create more of heaven on earth.  And I know it isn’t something that one can do alone…will you climb with me to the top of the mountain?  Will you help our nations leaders by Inaurgating (commence officially) a  new way of being? 

Namaste’

When I first got sober I remember reading in the big book, we can’t think our way into right actions, but act our way into right thinking.  I remember reading it an not really making the connection that I probably should have, but then you remember those first days when you are literally coming out of the ether?  Nothing and everything made sense, you could hear things and sort of understand the implications but there was a part of you that either didn’t want to get it or couldn’t for some particular reason.

If your recovery has been anything like mine and still is today, I used to try to think through everything, and in fact sometimes that process alone paralyzes me.  I have a tendency to go over and over the same information, situation or event until I have exhausted each and every path of the decision or thought.  And then I am exhausted and wonder why I am?

When you are faced with an opportunity to do something different today how do you respond?  When it feels like you have been in this situation before, do you think about it an then act or to you act and then think.  I think for those of us in recovery both are important.  I know that in my past I used to respond to most situations, I thought the first person in the arguement with the biggest words won.  And now I realize that isn’t the case.  I also used to think that I could have a “right life” if I thought about it.  What I have come to learn is that sometimes doing the right thing lends itself to right living.  So what is right living?  The Aramaic definition of sin is “off the mark”, notice that doesn’t say wrong, bad or disgusting, rather we didn’t hit the target.  The target in each situation we are faced with can be different.  But the target in most instances I think is doing the right thing so that we don’t hurt others, that we find compassion for each other and the path our lives has taken, and being mindful of any new karma we might create for ourselves and others.

Recently I have been given a chance to act my way into right living, and honestly I would give myself a D-.  I have been given an opportunity to revisit a lesson that I should have gotten in my early 20’s.  I guess I could say I didn’t see it coming, or the person that showed up to teach me the lessons felt and looked much different that the experience I had 30 years ago.  All of those things are true in this case, but the lesson is still the lesson and I haven’t done a very good job at learning.  I spent a good two weeks trying to think through it, ponder the hows and the whys, and the details.  But what I have come to learn in the last few days is that I can only change the way I act in response to the situation to find my center again.  Because you see what I think we each were looking for in our addiction is that “peace that surpasses understanding”, that inner place I talked about last weekend.

So the thoughts I would leave you to ponder today are:

• Have you noticed your thinking lately?
• Has your thought process brought you anxiety or peace?
• Who are you blaming for your situation today, could you act different and remove the blame?
• If people saw your thoughts what would they make of them?
• Are your actions in alignment with your words, in other words, are you congruent?

I finally reached this place toward the end of this past week.  I believe that when we get the clutter of our thoughts out of the way we are able to really hear the voice of God in the situation.  The reason why something happened or the reason why we might have failed the test again is because we don’t take the time to hear what god wants us to know.  What I got  this week when I finally allowed the voice of spirit to come into the mix was to hear and get to the place where I could begin to act in a way that felt right to me.

In my last post I mentioned that I was going to make a move back to California.  Well as it usually happens I made plans and God laughed…the god of my understanding has a tremendous sense of humor.  Suffice it to say that that trip didn’t happen and I am not in California.  One of the benefits of working on my own evolution of consciousness is that I am getting better, not the best for sure at paying attention.  I think it is demonstrated by the fact that I have honed that sense that I find myself in Sidney, Nebraksa, which I will now call home.  The “road to home” and finding home however was paved with some wonderful opportunities for me and has provided me with a greater understanding of what home means to me.  This morning as I woke I knew it was time to come back to these pages and continue my work, and share with you the discovery that the last 60 days has provided me.  I always know that if I really pay attention signs will come to me about next steps, and this morning’s Hazelden quote is no exception here is the quote for July 27, 2008~~

“Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom, which flows through your life.  Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love language and words and the word that jumped out at me in this quote is “impelled”, when I looked up the definition of it I liked it even more  “to drive or cause to move onward; propel; impart motion to“.  This even brought more meaning to the day and my topic of finding home.  You see I left Colorado with only one thought in mind, I needed to keep moving.  Not the running away that I had become common during my drinking days, but rather  create movement, momemtum, mandatory motion as I have felt is key to our sense of direction.  It is only when we are moving toward something do we know if that is where we are supposed to be.  I now know that I was impelled, and that is how I discovered home again for me.  

Thirty three years ago I left my home state of Nebraska, and honestly never looked back.  I was still in college and already very practiced in my drinking career.  My life has afforded me some incredible opportunities, chances to see and do things that many in my home state probably won’t ever see or do.  And what the last 60 days has done is brought me back to my home state of Nebraksa.  You see I had to leave what I thought was my home to learn what home really is. 

I traveled from Pagosa across many miles that I had covered before, visited places that I had been before in much younger skin, saw and connected with friends that I hadn’t seen in many years.  I literally had to take a road trip to find home.  And all of the miles that I put on me and Isabella in the last 60 days have led me to one conclusion  Home isn’t a place, an address, a relationship, a job….home is wherever I am that peace resides.  It is an inner place, not necessarily associated with a physical address.  I learned this through the process of being homeless and jobless where the things that I had in my possession were the things that I had learned living in the mountains were what was important, and those were few.  My journal, my animal medicine cards that carry wisdom when I choose to use them, my laptop because I am an information junkie, and probably most important my companion Isabella who turned 5 this past week.

During this past 60 days I also met someone that I am certain I will never forget.  It has been said that we all have a twin, someone that is an absolute reflection of who we are, how we show up in the world and comes into our world to provide an accurate reflection of our soul.  My encounter with my twin was brief, but likely one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.  And what I realize is that in order for me to meet and experience this beautiful soul I had to come home, to me and to my home state.  I am dreadfully sad it was such a brief encounter, and continue to pray…for more.

Joseph Campbell’s, “The Hero’s Journey” is the only reason I can explain why I am here because for anyone who knows me knows this new life defies logic as we know it.  But what I am going to do is invite you to continue with me on this adveventure in the heart of America…because it is the heart and I believe I have much to learn from being here.

Over the weekend I watched “What’s Love Got to Do With It”, the story of Ike and Tina Turner. And after some discussions with a colleague of mine about women and relapse my mind can’t seem to move from this topic. I was moved at the end of the movie when Tina was talking with her new agent( after she finally kicked her addiction to the curb), and she was talking about what she didn’t want to do with her music anymore. It made me stop and think about relapse, and even the experience I had the other day that a really frosty glass of Chardonnay (more…)