tapestry

Two years ago I made a move to the mountains here to build at that time what I thought was my work and my purpose. I came with a full knowing that I belonged here, and that my work here would flourish. Pagosa Springs is a small mountain community of 1400 people. Over the past two years I have been honored by 10 women who have crossed the threshold of Tapestry Lodge to find themselves, and to free their lives of drugs or alcohol. And amazingly enough 50% of them are on the road to recovery, all of the credit I give to this magical place I live.

It has come to my attention, no rather more accurately my checkbook that I am however unable to continue supporting my dream in this environment. Some of it is financial, but I would have to say the majority of it is emotional. You see, I love “the work”, some of you won’t need me to define what that is you will get it, and some of you might not. But I love working and being able to be a part of a larger picture. I finally realized two weeks ago that I wasn’t, I was isolated and not contributing at the level I believe I can.

So in the next few weeks I will be transitioning my dream back to Southern California. I read this quote yesterday and I believe it captures my current mindset

“The dream in your heart my be bigger than the environment in which you find yourself. Sometimes you have to get out of the environment in order to see your dream fulfilled.” -Joel Osteen.

As a part of my coaches training I learned that as adults (and yes I am one today) we have to be able to let go of certain things to be able to learn new. I am taking that to heart as I prepare for this transition. I know I came here with my dream, but was it God’s will for my life? I came here thinking that the Lodge was my work, but in fact my scars and the journey I share with many of you is my work.

Are you are a transition point in your life? Could it be that you need to get out of your environment for your dreams to take off. Are you able to let go of the way you thought it was going to be and stay open to the possibility? I encourage you just as I have had to d over the past few months to really open up to what your heart and your dream is telling you.

This morning I got to thinking about what it feels like when we attach ourselves to anything. For many of us we were attached to our drugs or alcohol for many years. And I would suspect that you might find something in common with me I have attachments to many other things. In the past few weeks I have been taking a look at the attachment I have had to the place I live. If you have followed any of my posts here you know this place has been one of my greatest healers and teachers. And I have been recently asking myself am I attached.

What would it feel like for me to let go of this physical structure, this place of peace. I ask myself would I find peace elsewhere, would I be able to find inspiring things to write about (that is assuming this is inspiring!!!). It may come to that soon for me, I have been asked to once again look at what I hold as dear to me.

Attachments serve us, until they don’t, have you heard me say something like that before? It is true with people, relationships, jobs, dreams and even beautiful lodges in the mountains. The question becomes what are you attached to? Have you known deep in your heart that you were attached and wanted to let it go but don’t know how? Have you convinced yourself that things would get better and with the change in something it would look different? If you are hanging on the question I have had to ask about my own attachment is “what am I most afraid of if I let it go?

Ponder today the fear of the unknown…

One night this week as I was getting ready to get comfortable and watch Intervention, I glanced out the window to see a herd of Elk coming down from the mountains into the valley that I live in. In the two years I have been here I haven’t seen a herd this size. They are majestic animals. I was struck by how they stuck together, feeding and almost watching each other to make sure of their safety.

Frequently when I see such a force of nature in my world I consult with my animal medicine cards to learn what they stand for and what they are here to teach us. So this morning I looked up Elk and found their energy means “stamina”. I thought the additional lesson that I got from reading is especially important for us women in recovery. I read ” Elk medicine means it may be important for you to see the company of your own gender for awhile. You may need a support group to realign yourself with the stamina of the warrioress energy that you are apart of. ”

The reading also goes on to suggest that you may want to look at how you are holding up physically to the stresses in your life, and to pace yourself. I thought all of these comments were particularly appropriate for those of us who are now dedicated to living a life with purpose and passion. I am learning it takes a tremendous amount of stamina to hold fast to the dream, to sort through what part of the work is yours and what part is that of the greater universal being.

What is your stress level? Is it true that you might need to hang with your herd? Are you bracing yourself for the long haul in this life of recovery? Are you giving yourself permission to follow instead of lead. I am grateful today to the elk as they provided me the opportunity to go inside once again and see where I am. Read the rest of this entry »

Each morning as I pour my first cup of coffee I have a Marianne Williamson, perpetual calendar with a Course in Miracle quote on it. It helps to remind me what day it is if I have lost track of time. When I turned it for today’s quote I noticed today is April 14th.

For many as it once was for me today creates a ton of stress. In 2001 the year before I got sober I hadn’t filed taxes for 6 years and owed the IRS well over Read the rest of this entry »

Imagine waking up and being grateful the temperatures outside are about 19 degrees on April 11th. This morning that is exactly how I feel. For anyone that comes and spends any time with me at Tapestry Lodge you know that my morning ritual is a very important part of my day. From the end of October, generally until the end of April my first task in the morning is to get the fire going. Know that I have a grind and brew coffee maker with a timer so that part is already taken care of, with the coffee pot generally grinding at 5AM. This girl knows her priorities!!

While many parts of the the country are really experiencing spring, we seem to have one last winter storm before our daffodils bloom. And for the the couple of days we had that. So this morning as the temps are still cold I get to practice my ritual. The fire for me represents a way for me to just take time to think about where I am, to ponder what the great spirits have in store and get the day started in calm not chaos.

Each year as I come to the end of the wood stove season I feel a sense of loss, not quite knowing what to do with my mornings to create the same feeling of connectedness the fire gives me. I have a hard time “letting go” of the fire as silly as that sounds because of what it represents in my morning. For me it is a recovery remedy, something that has become a part of the fabric of my life for 6 months.

As I was looking at the fire this morning which seems to be burning especially well I was thinking about “letting go.” How many times have I had to practice these muscles in 52 years?? More than I can count. It started with letting go of my Dad when I was 24, he died of a massive heart attack, giving two of my loving four legged companions Lady and Sassy their angel wings, not to mention countless relationships over the past 25 years.

Probably the biggest opportunity to let go was when I gave up my addiction to alcohol, I let go of a 25 year relationship, one that never let me down….until it did. And if it hasn’t let you down yet it will. Everything will run it’s course in your life until it no longer serves you, just like the morning fires with me. Soon I will have the windows wide open to bring in the fresh clean mountain air, and it will literally clear out all of the winter smells. Is it time for you to open your windows? Time to clean out the wood stove and make room for new? I realized this morning that I shall begin my process of winding down this morning ritual that I love. And with this one I know that I will have a chance for it again in another 6 months.

Life in the Mountains

I recently had a conversation with a woman in Los Angeles about what it is like here in the San Juan Mountains. There seems to be a certain mystique about how life unfolds here, especially for those who live in densely populated areas, and major metropolitan communities. It is mornings like these that help me respond to that question. There is undoubtedly a change in the seasons right around the corner, the mountains still have snow on them, but there are patches of green grass that are showing. There is a natural rhythm, one that is predictable and comfortable. The chill of the mornings give way to warmer days, and the hope of summer.

It is hard to describe to some the fact that I haven’t heard a siren Read the rest of this entry »

Today is the 40th anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. If you are conscious at all today you will most likely be barraged with news and reminders of that day 40 years ago. My mind this morning immediately went to “how old was I”. The answer is 12 years old. Quickly I thought about who I was at 12, and I would suspect I was free. I already had what King and the country was hoping for. The question came to me, when did I loose that freedom, and I would say the day I took my first drink, which would have been 3 years later at the age of 15. For the next 25 years I was a slave to alcohol. It was my master, my lover, my companion. And in that we all know there is no freedom.

So what happens to us when we really begin to work at our recovery? Freedom does come, and interestingly enough it has a price tag as well. But the price we pay for our work on our path will net life, and not assassination. The price is one of time invested in meetings, pages that are expired on a journal or relationships that need to be let go of.

Today I invite you to ask what you are paying for, are you paying for freedom or are you moving closer to your own death. What I have learned is that moving toward our own death doesn’t just have to be through our addiction, but we can get so far away from our divine purpose in this life that we are slowly dying.

Are you free today????

I just returned from a week long self imposed “Spring Break”. It has been a hard winter here in the Mountains if you have been following me. Last week I realized that I had a week that didn’t have much on the calendar and might be a good “get away week”.

So I loaded Isabella (my four year odf beagle in the car) and took a drive. For me finding time to spend on the road is a good thing, it reminds me that we need to drive to get somewhere. I think that is true for our lives and our recovery. My time away gave me a sense of clearing, not that I wasn’t too far from my thoughts, as a woman in recovery I never am, but I found that my thoughts weren’t as clouded as they have been.

Even though I have returned to the lodge and had to get a fire going again this morning I feel revived and ready to tackle the next 6 months of business. I am wondering when you allowed yourself time away recently. When you left did you try to stay connected or really escape? Are you feeling like you are too old for a spring break? I would say you aren’t and maybe you just need to let the kid out in you to enjoy.

Today is the second day into the spring season. I was away for a couple of days and had a chance to see some green grass and buds on trees. I wasn’t anywhere tropical but after the winter that we have had here in the mountains it felt like it. As I sit this morning and look at the grounds of the retreat center and the mountains that surround it is easy to see that we are still in between worlds here. There are patches of ground that show, but still a pile of snow that blocks one part of my driveway. I realized that even though spring has officially arrived that we are still living between worlds, or at least seasons.

As you may have noticed I find the world around me always helps me to see and understand where I am in my own journey. And just as it feels like we are between seasons here, I feel as if I am in between right now, in between what I thought my life would be at 52 and what it actually is. It is a place that happens in my recovery I notice when I actually forget who I am. One of my favorite quotes from Conversations with God is that many times “we have to become everything we aren’t to become everything we are.” I know that has been true for me many times throughout my life. Once again I am feeling that I have become everything I am not. This time however it isn’t the same kind of place, it isn’t dark, it doesn’t have me in shackles at I once was. But there is an awareness that the life I have created isn’t as fulfilling as it could be.

So the question to you becomes where are you in regard to the seasons, are you in full bloom as will happen here in the coming weeks. Have you just uncovered yourself from a something that you hope will bring more light into your life. Are you willing to identify if you are in one world/season or split. The one thing we can count on in our lives is change, evidenced by the change in the seasons and the marking of the spring equinox on the calendar. As you begin your day, or end your day spend some time reflecting on your world. There is not right place to be…that is what I have learned from the change of the seasons this year. The thing that is important is that we at least know where we are.

This is my second spring in the mountains. In March about the same time of year it seems as if there is a winter storm that moves through the area. Right now we still have snow on the ground which keeps one foot in winter, and yet there are patches of bare earth that remind us that we will see green again. Over the weekend there was a storm that came through the valley. The power and force of the wind are always alarming at first because some how it feels like the lodge reverberates and yet still holds firm foundation. Each time a storm like this comes through I have noticed and try to examine what the wind might be blowing either out of my life or into my life. I wonder if the reverberations I feel in my soul will have lasting effect. Read the rest of this entry »