What happens when you look back and realize that your life has been paused. I can see that most clearly now as I reflect back on my last entry in September. So many winds have blown through the heartlands where I now reside, but none strong enough until today for to realize my life has been on hold. I have a DVR now that I love because I can put shows in my que that I want to watch and can view them at the time most convenient for me. Little did I know that I had literally done the same thing with my life.
For the past several months, I have literally felt shut off from myself. I have functioned, and even been able to suit up and show up as my first sponsor taught me. That miracle is not lost on me. I wasn’t however thriving, rather surviving. Lois Wilson ((Bill’s wife) started Al-anon many years back realizing that the additiction to a person can be as strong and as fatal as an addiction to substance. Just as I have continued to work on my addiction to alcohol, I have had to keep in the front of my mind the fact that have a propensity to be “over the top” with people as well.
I realized this weekend after going through a rough patch in my personal life that I didn’t feel like I was in my own skin, mostly because I was desperately trying to get into someone elses skin. Futile….and I know better. I am coming up on 4 months since I have come to this place to write, with the full realization that I have been floating somewhere between my world and the world that I thought I was moving toward.
I was reminded once again this weekend that recovery from substance, people or even control requires much more than not drinking or dialing. It asks of us at times the thing we feel is impossible. Abstainance of thought or feeling the need to leave our bodies and our minds. It requires checking in to see where we are, who and what is occupying space rent free in our minds.
I come back to this place hoping that it will remind me through you of why I am here and what I can do to keep myself in the middle of the bed.
Tags: getting centered, Love addiction, recovery
June 30th, 2010 at 10:38 pm
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