tapestry

Last weekend a dear friend here in Nebraska gave me a wonderful book.  The Shack by WM. Paul Young.  It has been a long time since I have dedicated an entire weekend to reading, but from the moment I picked the book up Friday after work I was drawn, or better yet driven to find the kernels of wisdom for me in it.  The fictional story of Mack takes one through all of the questions many of us have as we sojourn in life.  I was particularly moved by his description of “The Great Sadness”, the words I read so eloquently described the last 8 months and how I have felt. 

The passage I wanted to share here however is about grace…in the dictionary grace is defined as “the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them”, it made me think of the times and way that grace has been a part of my path.  One of the things I have learned that I have as a part of my character is resilience, the ability to return to myself when times seem the darkest.  The last few months have been that for me, and I am pleased to know that grace has been operating in my life.  In The Shack Mack is having a conversation were it is said “Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”  This sentence got me to thinking about the colors of grace I have been given.  What I have learned about this part of my journey is that grace is operating even though I don’t know that it is.  When I feel grace is when I come out of the darkness and am able to see the light…

Where have you been that has been dark?

What was it that kept  you there?

When did you know that you were coming out of it?

When did you get to the other side and see that grace is what pulled you through?

All of these questions I found myself pondering as I tried to understand the reason for the darkness and the encouragement of the light….grace as I know it now. 

This morning I got to thinking about what it feels like when we attach ourselves to anything. For many of us we were attached to our drugs or alcohol for many years. And I would suspect that you might find something in common with me I have attachments to many other things. In the past few weeks I have been taking a look at the attachment I have had to the place I live. If you have followed any of my posts here you know this place has been one of my greatest healers and teachers. And I have been recently asking myself am I attached.

What would it feel like for me to let go of this physical structure, this place of peace. I ask myself would I find peace elsewhere, would I be able to find inspiring things to write about (that is assuming this is inspiring!!!). It may come to that soon for me, I have been asked to once again look at what I hold as dear to me.

Attachments serve us, until they don’t, have you heard me say something like that before? It is true with people, relationships, jobs, dreams and even beautiful lodges in the mountains. The question becomes what are you attached to? Have you known deep in your heart that you were attached and wanted to let it go but don’t know how? Have you convinced yourself that things would get better and with the change in something it would look different? If you are hanging on the question I have had to ask about my own attachment is “what am I most afraid of if I let it go?

Ponder today the fear of the unknown…

Each morning as I pour my first cup of coffee I have a Marianne Williamson, perpetual calendar with a Course in Miracle quote on it. It helps to remind me what day it is if I have lost track of time. When I turned it for today’s quote I noticed today is April 14th.

For many as it once was for me today creates a ton of stress. In 2001 the year before I got sober I hadn’t filed taxes for 6 years and owed the IRS well over (more…)

Imagine waking up and being grateful the temperatures outside are about 19 degrees on April 11th. This morning that is exactly how I feel. For anyone that comes and spends any time with me at Tapestry Lodge you know that my morning ritual is a very important part of my day. From the end of October, generally until the end of April my first task in the morning is to get the fire going. Know that I have a grind and brew coffee maker with a timer so that part is already taken care of, with the coffee pot generally grinding at 5AM. This girl knows her priorities!!

While many parts of the the country are really experiencing spring, we seem to have one last winter storm before our daffodils bloom. And for the the couple of days we had that. So this morning as the temps are still cold I get to practice my ritual. The fire for me represents a way for me to just take time to think about where I am, to ponder what the great spirits have in store and get the day started in calm not chaos.

Each year as I come to the end of the wood stove season I feel a sense of loss, not quite knowing what to do with my mornings to create the same feeling of connectedness the fire gives me. I have a hard time “letting go” of the fire as silly as that sounds because of what it represents in my morning. For me it is a recovery remedy, something that has become a part of the fabric of my life for 6 months.

As I was looking at the fire this morning which seems to be burning especially well I was thinking about “letting go.” How many times have I had to practice these muscles in 52 years?? More than I can count. It started with letting go of my Dad when I was 24, he died of a massive heart attack, giving two of my loving four legged companions Lady and Sassy their angel wings, not to mention countless relationships over the past 25 years.

Probably the biggest opportunity to let go was when I gave up my addiction to alcohol, I let go of a 25 year relationship, one that never let me down….until it did. And if it hasn’t let you down yet it will. Everything will run it’s course in your life until it no longer serves you, just like the morning fires with me. Soon I will have the windows wide open to bring in the fresh clean mountain air, and it will literally clear out all of the winter smells. Is it time for you to open your windows? Time to clean out the wood stove and make room for new? I realized this morning that I shall begin my process of winding down this morning ritual that I love. And with this one I know that I will have a chance for it again in another 6 months.