tapestry

Last weekend a dear friend here in Nebraska gave me a wonderful book.  The Shack by WM. Paul Young.  It has been a long time since I have dedicated an entire weekend to reading, but from the moment I picked the book up Friday after work I was drawn, or better yet driven to find the kernels of wisdom for me in it.  The fictional story of Mack takes one through all of the questions many of us have as we sojourn in life.  I was particularly moved by his description of “The Great Sadness”, the words I read so eloquently described the last 8 months and how I have felt. 

The passage I wanted to share here however is about grace…in the dictionary grace is defined as “the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them”, it made me think of the times and way that grace has been a part of my path.  One of the things I have learned that I have as a part of my character is resilience, the ability to return to myself when times seem the darkest.  The last few months have been that for me, and I am pleased to know that grace has been operating in my life.  In The Shack Mack is having a conversation were it is said “Grace doesn’t depend on suffering to exist, but where there is suffering you will find grace in many facets and colors.”  This sentence got me to thinking about the colors of grace I have been given.  What I have learned about this part of my journey is that grace is operating even though I don’t know that it is.  When I feel grace is when I come out of the darkness and am able to see the light…

Where have you been that has been dark?

What was it that kept  you there?

When did you know that you were coming out of it?

When did you get to the other side and see that grace is what pulled you through?

All of these questions I found myself pondering as I tried to understand the reason for the darkness and the encouragement of the light….grace as I know it now. 

What happens when you look back and realize that your life has been paused.  I can see that most clearly now as I reflect back on my last entry in September.  So many winds have blown through the heartlands where I now reside, but none strong enough until today for to realize my life has been on hold.  I have a DVR now that I love because I can put shows in my que that I want to watch and can view them at the time most convenient for me.  Little did I know that I had literally done the same thing with my life.

For the past several months, I have literally felt shut off from myself.  I have functioned, and even been able to suit up and show up as my first sponsor taught me.  That miracle is not lost on me.  I wasn’t however thriving, rather surviving.  Lois Wilson ((Bill’s wife) started Al-anon many years back realizing that the additiction to a person can be as strong and as fatal as an addiction to substance.  Just as I have continued to work on my addiction to alcohol, I have had to keep in the front of my mind the fact that have a propensity to be “over the top” with people as well.

I realized this weekend after going through a rough patch in my personal life that I didn’t feel like I was in my own skin, mostly because I was desperately trying to get into someone elses skin.  Futile….and I know better.  I am coming up on 4 months since I have come to this place to write, with the full realization that I have been floating somewhere between my world and the world that I thought I was moving toward.

I was reminded once again this weekend that recovery from substance, people or even control requires much more than not drinking or dialing.  It asks of us at times the thing we feel is impossible.  Abstainance of thought or feeling the need to leave our bodies and our minds.  It requires checking in to see where we are, who and what is occupying space rent free in our minds. 

I come back to this place hoping that it will remind me through you of why I am here and what I can do to keep myself in the middle of the bed.

In my last post I mentioned that I was going to make a move back to California.  Well as it usually happens I made plans and God laughed…the god of my understanding has a tremendous sense of humor.  Suffice it to say that that trip didn’t happen and I am not in California.  One of the benefits of working on my own evolution of consciousness is that I am getting better, not the best for sure at paying attention.  I think it is demonstrated by the fact that I have honed that sense that I find myself in Sidney, Nebraksa, which I will now call home.  The “road to home” and finding home however was paved with some wonderful opportunities for me and has provided me with a greater understanding of what home means to me.  This morning as I woke I knew it was time to come back to these pages and continue my work, and share with you the discovery that the last 60 days has provided me.  I always know that if I really pay attention signs will come to me about next steps, and this morning’s Hazelden quote is no exception here is the quote for July 27, 2008~~

“Place yourself in the middle of the stream of power and wisdom, which flows through your life.  Then, without effort, you are impelled to truth and to perfect contentment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love language and words and the word that jumped out at me in this quote is “impelled”, when I looked up the definition of it I liked it even more  “to drive or cause to move onward; propel; impart motion to“.  This even brought more meaning to the day and my topic of finding home.  You see I left Colorado with only one thought in mind, I needed to keep moving.  Not the running away that I had become common during my drinking days, but rather  create movement, momemtum, mandatory motion as I have felt is key to our sense of direction.  It is only when we are moving toward something do we know if that is where we are supposed to be.  I now know that I was impelled, and that is how I discovered home again for me.  

Thirty three years ago I left my home state of Nebraska, and honestly never looked back.  I was still in college and already very practiced in my drinking career.  My life has afforded me some incredible opportunities, chances to see and do things that many in my home state probably won’t ever see or do.  And what the last 60 days has done is brought me back to my home state of Nebraksa.  You see I had to leave what I thought was my home to learn what home really is. 

I traveled from Pagosa across many miles that I had covered before, visited places that I had been before in much younger skin, saw and connected with friends that I hadn’t seen in many years.  I literally had to take a road trip to find home.  And all of the miles that I put on me and Isabella in the last 60 days have led me to one conclusion  Home isn’t a place, an address, a relationship, a job….home is wherever I am that peace resides.  It is an inner place, not necessarily associated with a physical address.  I learned this through the process of being homeless and jobless where the things that I had in my possession were the things that I had learned living in the mountains were what was important, and those were few.  My journal, my animal medicine cards that carry wisdom when I choose to use them, my laptop because I am an information junkie, and probably most important my companion Isabella who turned 5 this past week.

During this past 60 days I also met someone that I am certain I will never forget.  It has been said that we all have a twin, someone that is an absolute reflection of who we are, how we show up in the world and comes into our world to provide an accurate reflection of our soul.  My encounter with my twin was brief, but likely one of the most powerful experiences I have ever had.  And what I realize is that in order for me to meet and experience this beautiful soul I had to come home, to me and to my home state.  I am dreadfully sad it was such a brief encounter, and continue to pray…for more.

Joseph Campbell’s, “The Hero’s Journey” is the only reason I can explain why I am here because for anyone who knows me knows this new life defies logic as we know it.  But what I am going to do is invite you to continue with me on this adveventure in the heart of America…because it is the heart and I believe I have much to learn from being here.